


When You Have To Explain Bodies To A Goop Monster

by Aelfay



Category: Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: M/M, eddie is surprisingly patient, this is just one extended bodily functions joke, venom learns about bodies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16663894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aelfay/pseuds/Aelfay
Summary: You can't assume an alien understands your biology, even if they live in it. Eddie learns this the hard way.(NOT scat/kink fic. This is literally Let's Explain To Venom Why Humans Need Toilets. I have no way to explain this. It seemed like a good idea to write at the time. This is going to be part of my fanfic legacy forever and I don't know how to feel about it.)





	When You Have To Explain Bodies To A Goop Monster

It takes two whole days of Venom being with him before Eddie has a terrifying realisation. He’s in his kitchen and catches sight of the bathroom out of the corner of his eye, and realises he hasn’t peed in two days. 

He’s pretty sure that isn’t good, he thinks, brain going a mile a minute as he tries to remember how all that body shit works. Aren’t there... poisons or something? “Venom?” he asks hesitantly, “How are my kidneys?”

“ _The large ones? Like water balloons with tiny rocks_ ,” the symbiote purrs, sounding pleased with itself. “ _I have kept them full for us, in case of danger. And your bladder._ ”

All of a sudden Eddie can _feel_ it as Venom lets him - proudly showing Eddie his work - and Eddie is shouting “NO NO NO NO NO” as he sprints for the toilet, not even trying to stand and piss, shoving down clothes before sitting and losing what feels like sixteen gallons. Venom is whining in his head, but Eddie has no patience. 

“What the FUCK,” he gasps, half relief half panic, “were you thinking? We just nearly pissed our pants - wait, did you say stones?”

“ _Why would you let all of the toxins go?_ ” Venom is asking, sounding slightly pouty, “ _We could have used them on enemies._ ”

“No, we couldn’t,” Eddie gasps, “They’d just poison me, bud, me, my body can’t take it, that’s why they’re supposed to be peed the fuck out, do we have kidney stones?” 

“ _Yes. They are very pretty,_ ” Venom purrs proudly, and Eddie has a sudden moment of resignation and terror. He’s had a lot of those since V decided he was a good human to hang out in, but this one is also absurd in a way he never expected because he’s realising he also hasn’t shat in two days, and he is not dealing with that. No, nope. No. 

“Right,” he says, and then again, “Right. Here’s what’s going to happen bud. You’re gonna take over so I’m nice and cosy in that brain of ours, and I am NOT connected to our nervous system, and then YOU are going to empty our bowels and get rid of the kidney stones, and then we will go online and you can read about how humans get rid of the literal shit that can kill them. Okay?”

V was sulking in his head for a moment, but the thought of controlling for a bit - and a new experience - has him perking up, and a moment later Eddie is having the bizarre experience of seeing through his own eyes from far away, watching as an alien strains itself on his toilet. 

At least he doesn’t have to worry about haemorrhoids, he muses, figuring V would recognise that was a problem and fix it up. 

Venom does not enjoy the experience of constipation, or of passing kidney stones - halfway through that, a strand of black leaves Eddie’s - their - dick and just tosses the stones in the toilet bowl with an angry sound of disgust, and at that point Eddie is cackling too hard to be weirded out by that visual. “ _We do not like the pretty stones,_ ” V growls, and Eddie agrees fervently. 

“Fix us up, bud, and I’ll let you read about kidneys,” he bargains, and Venom grumbles, shifting control back over and letting Eddie get up, pointedly ignoring the strange sensation in his ass as Venom rearranges whatever they broke down there. 

The night is spent munching on popcorn - “keeps us regular, V, it’s good for us, I swear” - and reading Web MD. Eddie feels both better and worse after - now Venom is mildly panicked as he monitors Eddie for health issues he wouldn’t have noticed before. 

“I’m fine,” he promises, putting a hand on his abs where he feels V swirling in panic. “I’m fine. Let’s go to bed.”

V calms slightly and then huffs, but Eddie feels him settle when Eddie’s curled to sleep.


End file.
